Growing Self-Confidence

I decided to go back to graduate school to please my father. There were other motives, but that was the biggest. I think all of us go to college for a variety of reasons, without really thinking about what’s on the other side of our decision: Hard work and the use of skills and practices often forgotten. Another key ingredient for college is self-confidence.

Getting Rid of Negative, Rent Free Voices in Our Heads!

In my case, I landed back into college in a course called the American Romance novel; I thought I had landed on Mars! My fellow students used words and ideas that didn’t sound like they were said in English. I was completely lost, lost in the coursework and my self-confidence. I compared myself to my classmates and concluded that I was incapable of college work.

A lack of self-confidence often starts when we judge ourselves in relation to others or completely believe what others say about us. Therefore, we give up on ourselves before starting anything. I conquered comparing myself to my classmates at the beginning of my college journey. However, when a literature professor told me that my poetry writing “might have been ok if I was an undergraduate,” I let that professor live rent-free in my head for ten years, allowing him to stop my poetry writing

Criticism from instructors is important and needs to be heard and applied. However, as noted in my video story, I took the criticism in an extreme way that lessened my confidence. Luckily, I became a teacher, and after I saw my students’ confidence grow as I cheered them on with “you can do this; you just don’t understand yet; you will get there,” I heard and followed my own advice!

Taking inventory of what we do and do not do well as students is also part of college confidence and success. Improving our growth mindsets towards readings, discussions, and assignments, as well as finding strategies to do them well is our job.  College work requires patience, rethinking, doing, redoing, and getting help when necessary. We must remain self-confident that our work will be easier to do and of a better quality over time.

College is not for the faint of heart! Success in college and life requires constant reassessment of our self-confidence and a willingness to work hard. Fortunately, self-confidence transfers to work and family life. Therefore, to learn how to stop judging ourselves against others, carefully accept and reject criticism, and take ample time and help to do our work well is to build self-confidence that enhances every part of our lives.

Overcoming Obstacles to Study Success

Fear and anxiety are obstacles to overcome when going to school. Many students are afraid of particular subjects, types of learning, or perceptions that are part of a learning journey. Additionally, many students compare themselves to others and decide that the others are more capable than they are. Finally, second guessing, over thinking, or starting over and over, even when the restarts net nothing, are obstacles to student success. Luckily, there are strategies to combat these debilitating habits that prevent learning. 

For example, I struggled with learning math early in my educational career and presumed that I was not capable of understanding it. I never overcame that fear and the anxiety that it brought me, and I never did well in math.  However, if I needed to study it today, I would let my professor know immediately that I had math phobia, find out what tutoring was available prior to starting the class, and get help before overwhelming fear stopped my learning. 

Also, I would ask my professor to recommend other students I could contact who had similar fears, to find out how they overcame their learning problems. It is far more beneficial to ask a student who is competent in a subject for help, rather than feeling inferior to that person. Ask the student who understands a subject how he or she figured it out. Sometimes it’s as simple as the student directing you to youTube videos or other resources that helped him or her understand the material. 

Finally, don’t get stuck on second guessing, over thinking, or starting over and over, when these three strategies are no longer useful to you. I panic when there is a multiple-choice test. I know I should get rid of the answers that are incorrect right away and, if I can’t figure it out, go back to the question later. Do I do that? No. I freeze on the question, think about it over and over, try to answer it, and waste time as I become more anxious. Often, it’s best to move along to get unstuck and stop over thinking something. Then it’s possible to go back and try again. Hopefully, I will take my own advice on my next test!

Do any of these obstacles seem familiar to you? Do you catch yourself stuck in them when you are studying or trying to get your college work done? If you pay attention to what and how you are learning as you do it, you can begin to counteract the fear, anxiety, comparing, and second guessing that inhibits your college success. Humans are set up to learn well or not at all. It is our job to take note of the obstacles that we place in our learning’s way and change the obstructive behaviors that do not help our college success. After all, we are here to be successful students. 

Talk to Yourself About Getting Work Done

Are you coming to the end of your courses and feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated, burned out, and/or upset? Do you find yourself not where you thought you would be with your grades or course accomplishments to date?

Are you mad at yourself by your answers to these questions, because you haven’t achieved what you set out to do? If that is the case, then you will be happy to hear these three steps to get back on track, be rid of your anger, and achieve the goals that you hoped for at the courses’ start.

(Photo Credit: Frank Sonnenberg)

First, you have to have a good, honest talk with yourself about the details of your troubles. What work haven’t you done at all? What work have you done partially or in a half-baked manner? What do you have left to do? After you have looked at what work has to get done, figure out how to do it, including assessing the parts you do not understand.

Next, email or call your teacher, using the teacher’s preferred method of contact. Find out if you can still submit any of your work. If you can, state what you believe to be missing or poorly done and how you plan to fix or finish it. Ask for any help you might need, if any of the work is confusing.

Third, you need to set a schedule of course work time and stick to it. This requires knowing you will give up time that you like to spend doing other things, but that is the only way to get your course work done and accomplish what you hoped to do in the first place. Do the work that you do not enjoy first. Use a timer and build in short breaks. Do not alter or lessen the time set in your schedule; there is no time left for that now.

It never feels good to set out to achieve something and not do it. Taking courses is the same as any other goal; it requires hard work, including parts that are not enjoyable. Deciding to pass a course is exactly that: making a decision to achieve success. The only way to achieve success is also exactly that: DO IT.

Once done, the feeling of achievement will justify the pain of your hard work and overtake the anger you have at yourself for not doing the work in the first place. Often the time spent being upset about not achieving goals takes up more time than it would have taken to get the work done. In the end, working hard feels good, and the rewards of achievement make it all worthwhile. 

Don’t Let Your Story Hold You Back

Recently, I was asked to teach in Stayer’s new Digital Entrepreneur Cheddar MBA program. I accepted the offer and then decided to enroll in it. Crazy, right? Why would an older woman with a BA, MA, and PhD want to do that? Why would she want to spend her time and money on something seemingly far afield from being an English professor? What could she possibly have to prove?

I decided to get my MBA because I am finally conquering my fears, by paying attention to what has held me back for years. I’m saying “Yes” to possibility—even if it’s scary and hard. How did I get to this “yes?” A big breakthrough in moving forward came when my daughter and I went to counseling to improve our communication. When I was telling my side of our relationship to the counselor, the counselor said to me, “Your stories do not serve you well.” 

I was furious that the counselor dared to question my stories.  My stories are my experience, and they frame how I live my life. They are uniquely mine! The counselor was not diminishing my stories; however, she was helping me understand that I was in counseling for the specific outcome of improving my communication with my daughter. Holding onto my stories would not achieve that outcome. 

The counselor helped me understand that my daughter and I had our own stories—points of view—about our relationship, but that now, in this moment, the story that mattered most was getting beyond all of them.  She asked us both to follow Dr. David Drake’s (2017) conception of analyzing stories carefully to “connect the neural dots” and get beyond what was holding us back:  

As noted in the top arrow in Dr. Drake’s (2017) graphic, the internal stories that guide us come from an event or (experience) that we turn into a (story), which triggers our core values (identity) and impacts our (behavior), often about an unmet need that results in a negative (outcome) (Drake, 2017). These stories live inside us and stop us from moving forward. 

Here’s an example: Even though I published writing at a young age, when I went to Columbia University to get my MA, I was told by a professor that my poetry writing was not good. The event triggered my growing fear that I didn’t write well and should stop writing. I internalized triggers that caused me to accept the poetry story as disapproval. I couldn’t get out of my own way, once triggered, and held myself back, over and over. I was not able to analyze my behavior to change the outcome.

However, the bottom arrow on the graphic is a cue to understand how to interpret a story differently, through reversing the analysis, or rewinding the story. Think about the poetry experience (outcome) as one person not liking the poems, then realize that the feedback could be seen positively (behavior), and understand this as a growth mindset opportunity (identity) to continue writing, by rewinding the (story) and moving forward (experience).

Our brains process our stories and hold us hostage to them in our memory, stopping us with fear and doubt before we even begin something new. Our job is to take the time to understand our stories frame-by-frame, rewind them to react to the cues that trigger negative outcomes, and look at the outcomes as a “let me move forward” opportunity (Drake, 2017). By rewinding our stories, may me all create new ones to move us forward. This is how we conquer what holds us back.

I Am Continually Inspired By My Students

I have taught writing in middle school, high school,community college, college, and graduate school and am continually inspired by my students.  In 2008, I started teaching part-time at Strayer University and now teach all the English classes Strayer offers. When I started at Strayer, I had no idea how much I would not only be inspired by but grow to love my Strayer students.

I learn something new from my Strayer students every time I meet or talk with them. Their courage, resilience, dedication, and hard-work ethic fill me with admiration and awe. When I was younger, I started graduate school with an eight-month old, four jobs, and a commute to my classes, and I graduated eight years later with a 4, 6, and 8-year old. I know what it takes to sit in a Strayer classroom on ground or online and finally walk across the graduation stage. My students and I have that and so much else in common.

It’s hard work to go to college at any age. It’s hard but essential because someone’s dream for a life change and self-empowerment is worth every part of the struggle that each assignment, each class, each fulfilled college commitment takes. Those who graduate from Strayer University worked hard for their degrees.  

I had no idea when I agreed to teach one night a week for Strayer University that it would turn out to be one of the most rewarding jobs I could possibly have. When a student says to me, “Thanks for believing in me, Dr. S.  You have made me believe in myself,” I go home stunned and feeling lucky beyond measure that I participated in someone’s empowerment journey. Loving my Strayer University students is easy. It is one of my life’s joys.

                                                                                                               

Getting Over Why Writing Is Hard & Nike: Just Do It!

I have always thought about being a writer. As a kid, I wrote a poem when President John Kennedy was shot and still have it in my scrap book.

I saw myself as a writer but certainly didn’t know how to be one. As a kid, I just wrote. As an adult, I think about writing and then think about the reasons why I can’t.

That’s what has happened with my writing on and off. I did it, and then I didn’t. Why? I have theories: 1) No time due to my time spent on my job as a writing teacher; 2) Can't take time away from family;  3) No topics of interest  ; and, TRUTH: 4) Not good enough. Reasons 1-3 were smoke screens for the heart of the matter: I thought I wasn’t good at it.  

Notice the theme here: no, can't, not, nothing. This is all negative. STOP NEGATIVITY. The path to being a writer or anything else is simple:

In fact, in the case of writing, just do it and do it and do it, over and over and over, reading it out loud, until you hear that it’s good, and you think, “Wow, I kind of like this.”

Then ask someone to read it and LISTEN to what he or she thinks about what you’ve written.  Be ok with what someone tells you about your writing. When you’re in school, college, or a job, someone is going to read whatever you write. Get used to it. Be strong. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Someone suggests something to help you make your writing better. Wouldn’t that be great?

Decide to write first when you get up, before social media, emails, work, kids, even if for only 5-10 minutes. Why? Because you won’t write at all if you don’t do it. You’ll have nothing to share if you don’t do it. Finally, you will fail in your classes, work, and being a role model to people you care about, if you don’t do it.

Because getting over writing is hard, take this writing rescue tip: NIKE: JUST DO IT.